Smile Until You Break

I stay up late because I can’t quiet my mind enough to even consider sleep. I can’t turn off the anxiety, and panic that sets in. I can’t stop all the what if’s, and worries from circling in my mind. I can’t stop the fear of things I can’t control from consuming me. I cant stop the guilt from dragging me down. I can’t silence the voice in my head telling me everything bad about myself.

“Useless. Can’t even manage to pay your own bills.”

“Lazy. On your days off all you do is sleep.”

“Gross. You can’t even keep a room clean.”

“Coward. You can’t do anything yourself. You’re too afraid.”

I can’t shut the voice up, I can’t change the poisonous words filling my head. I’ve tried. I really, honest to god, have tried. I make lists of goals a lot to try to calm myself. I start with big things, goals that I know are going to take awhile to achieve, and then I work my way down to small things in hopes that I’ll feel better when I accomplish something. Only to feel even worse about myself when I look back on the list after my third nap and realize the day is over and I’ve done nothing. Again.

I start to wonder what I’m even doing anymore? Then I remind myself that this is just a bump in the road. I can overcome this, I just have to have the right attitude. I just have to try harder. I just need to put more effort into everything. I just need to be enough for myself, just this once. Yet here I am. Wide awake late at night trying to calm myself by writing some of this stuff down. Trying to talk myself out of my depressive state.

Clearly it’s not working.

twloha:

“There is nothing braver than fighting an invisible war within yourself. If we can survive those moments when the monsters grow exponentially and the pain feels insurmountable and the fear is more real than your own reflection, we can win. We will win.”

— Jessica Strait, “What It’s Like to Have a Mental Illness”

adayinthelifeofrie:

Some days I crave to not feel anything at all. But the worse days are actually the ones when you feel numb. Like there isn’t anything left for you to feel. You can’t even explain what you’re feeling anymore. And you’re stuck in there trying to fill in the void.